Sunday, 7 March 2010

Enjoy a good laugh!



     These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
       ______________________________
       ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
       WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: This   myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
       WITNESS: Yes.
       ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
       WITNESS: I forget.
       ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
       ___________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
       WITNESS: We both do.
       ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
       WITNESS: We do.
       ATTORNEY: You do?
       WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
       WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
       ____________________________________
       ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
       WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
       ___________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
       WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
       _________________________________________
      ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
       WITNESS: Yes.
       ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
       WITNESS: Getting laid
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
       WITNESS: Yes.
       ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
       WITNESS: None.
       ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
       WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
       WITNESS: By death.
       ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
       WITNESS: Take a guess.
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
       WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
       ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
       WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
       _____________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
       WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
       _________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did
you go to?
       WITNESS: Oral.
       _________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
       WITNESS: The autopsy started around   8:30 p..m.
       ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
       WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
       WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
       ______________________________________
       And the best for last :
       ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
       WITNESS: No.
       ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
       WITNESS: No.
       ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
       WITNESS: No.
       ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
       WITNESS: No .
       ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
       WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
       ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

       And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in
our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.
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